I live in a city where everyone is a cyclist. Bikes barrel down the streets all day long – little kids wildly pedalling, students always rushing, and commuters effortlessly zooming. Cyclists have a dangerous version of road rage that extends to everything – what I call cyclist fury. I know this creeping anger well because I cycle often. The problem is, the more you cycle, the more cyclist fury builds up. I have so much anger:

Fury 1: This city is so flat, but there is one big hill between where I live and all my friends live. This makes going out and returning home a physical and mental struggle. Especially late at night, I find myself begging to stay on a friend’s floor rather than puff up that unforgiving hill with onlookers staring. It’s not that I’m unfit; it’s just that I hate hills.

Fury 2: Other cyclists are horrible, especially in rush hour. Get out of my way, silly sixth formers. Do not do wheelies in the pre-9am traffic, fall off, and cause a massive pile up of cyclists trying to avoid running you over. Next time we will just cycle over you and your stupid red trousers (that is so 2011!). Why can’t sixth-formers dress like normal people? Girl, if you cycle in a skirt I will see your bum. No matter how much you try to tuck it in, a skirt that short will not leave much to the imagination. I don’t want to see it.

Fury 3: It’s not comfortable. I have stupid drop handlebars which look fun but actually hurt my shoulders. And I’m a rower; I live with enough shoulder pain. And my narrow bicycle seat is the surest way to irritate me if I have to sit on it for more than 5 minutes, they are just not designed with anatomy in mind. And the bloody helmet is also an item of poor design. I pay so much money for this plastic shell which will probably smash to pieces if I give it even a dirty look, and never fits on my bush of hair anyway. Also it gets in the way when I am trying to see cars that are driving behind me. So I never wear it. Useless things.

Fury 4: Why are they so complex? I have had a puncture for about four weeks now. I patched it, then patched it again, then replaced the inner tube and it is still not working. Why must it torture me so?! I need a bike to get around town on my tight schedule and I need it to have air in the tyres! Everything I know about bikes I learned from YouTube and a friend who had pity on me. I hate the sad looks he gives me that seem to say ‘Why do you not know how to do this?’. I’m not stupid, I was just never taught what to do with my bike and my Tesco Value bike repair kit broke.

Fury 5: Thieves love bikes. I hate thieves… It’s not OK to take my bike which I paid a lot of money for to get fixed and I need on a daily basis and which is mine. It is just not ever OK and if they had even a shred of dignity they wouldn’t do it! Don’t pretend they do it for the money; they sell it for a fiver online. Ugh!

Fury 6: Handlebars are useless for carrying shopping on. Or handbags. Or anything that normal people like to carry. I have to use an ugly backpack and it doesn’t make me feel feminine.

Fury 7: It’s dangerous. I got knocked off by a bus once.

Fury 8: It. Is. So. Boring! You can’t even listen to music.

There are probably more, in fact I could probably write a series of novels about it…

My new German tyres - puncture and weather resistant... they are badass
My new German tyres – puncture and weather resistant… they are badass